Observations of Frenchness

Riding home some time ago I saw a stunning Citroen SM in a car dealer/restorer lot. Had to stop, and just stare for a while, you don't see these all the time. One of those low-slung, long, wide but small, beautiful, spacepod things, gobs of power and speed in a car that was built to driven by princes and artists and diplomats. A car, along with Jaguar E-series, Mercedes 240, '66 Mustang, that I've always wanted, actually fantasized that I could someday own and drive. Not drive a lot, of course, I'd keep my Volvo for actual use, but how can I explain, you either understand or you can't, what it would be like to just pull up a chair in my garage and sit there and stare. That's mine. I got one. It's awesome. It's French, it's different.

Intentionally. The French are different intentionally, I think. Before they make something, they look around, and they ask: What should work the best in this situation? What makes sense? Can we make it simple and effective? How do the English do it? The Italians? Those insolent Americans? Are there international standards? What does ISO have to say about it? JIS? What is accepted practice? What is normal? And when research is concluded, they sit down to figure out how to do something...else.

Something ELSE. While the rest of the world is using 100mm dropouts, they use...99mm. Where everyone else uses a 5mm cap screw, they use a...8mm...hex head. When everyone else uses paint, they use...chrome. Where everyone else uses chrome, they use...aluminum. Bushing? No, ball bearing. External sleeve? No, internal. Aluminum derailleur? No, plastic derailleur. Plastic shift levers. Even plastic brake levers. Isn't that cool? Plastic break levers. They won't break, they'll work fine. And even though Campy, Shimano, Suntour, Sugino, British, Italian, Swiss, BMX, Octalink, ISIS, it seems EVERYONE ELSE uses a 22mm crank extractor thread, they use...23mm. Except Stronglight, who used 23.35, because of course TA was already using 23.

23.35mm. How many Stronglight cranks have been ruined for lack of a 23.35mm extractor?

So many old French bikes have fallen victim to mechanics. Everybody screws up their first French bike, whether it's a Peugeot UO8 or a Singer. It doesn't matter, you have to be hyper-vigilant, as at some point you won't know whether that fastener is a right-hand or left-hand thread, or whether the nut on the other side is floating or welded on, or is there a bushing in there or bearings which will spill out all over the floor? Move slowly, don't adjust yourself into a corner and then have to re-engineer something.

Ever try to mount an old Ideale saddle? Sometimes your clamp tightens, sometimes it won't because the RAILS ARE A SMALLER DIAMETER than everyone else's! You have to use a French seatpost to do it reliably, but of course French seatposts are a special size, which means that you have to use a French frame, and then only French derailleurs, BB, headset, and hub O.L.D. fit into a French frame properly, so you might as well just capitulate and get a French bicycle if you want to use an Ideale saddle.

My (wonderful, sublime, French) randonneur bike has a 26.4mm seatpost, which the seat tube had to be shrunk to accept. And they didn't even do it well, I think perhaps in spite. Just to say, "see, here we thumbed this up just to annoy you, (vous poor uninlitenende anglais tripe), but we still think it will work fine." WHY DO THAT? Is it so important to use 26.4 that you have to alter a carefully-drawn tube to do it? Why not just use the 27.0mm that the tube is designed to take? Is it more convenient to swage a steel tube than it is to turn a different diameter into aluminum? If you have to use that seatpost, then why not use your own frenchy tubes duh that are already made to fit the post already duh, is that too obvious duh? Craziness!

Before WWII, when French gunnery experts were trying to decide on a bore size for the primary guns on battleship Richelieu, they certainly knew that other great maritime powers were using 14-inch, 15-, 16-, 17, and even 18-inch guns (bigger is better, normally, on a battleship). And of course having this information, they had a great and doubtless heated discussion over whether to employ....13.4-inch or 13.8-inch.

Have you ever had a pair of French shoes? I haven't. Italian, sure, I have four or five pairs, great shoes-they fit better the longer you have them. Chinese shoes, of course, a couple of pairs, cheap and effective, disposable, fit well new and wear out fast. English shoes, yes. American boots too, even got some Dutch clogs. But no French shoes. Why is that? Do they have special feet there? Not like Everybody Else's?

Vive la difference.

But that gorgeous car, I don't care if it's different. Maybe that's part of its charm. Think of automatic shift levers in cars...where do you imagine them? Of all the cars you've driven, how does the shifter work? Up and down, right? Whether it's on the column or on the hump, it's UP and DOWN. Or maybe TO and FROM. This one works...from left...to right. Or perhaps right to left, does it matter? Perhaps buttons on the ceiling were not possible? And I don't doubt that it's not the normal P-R-N-D-2-1, either. Probably R-N-1-2-D-P. It only makes sense if you're already used to it.

Open the hood, and what do you expect? Wires, hoses? Sure, lots of 'em. Maybe a nice polished cover? Black plastic cowls and a huge radiator? Ha. Green Hydropneumatic Spheres. That's right, green balls, at least four of them the size of large grapefruit. They operate as parts of the suspension, to raise and lower the car, among other things. What an interesting, great, completely arcane idea...raise and lower the car hydropneumatically. Self-levels with a load. Tiptoe through puddles, hunker down at higher speeds. Float more on cobbles. Bounce up and down at intersections. We can use it for steering too, and the headlights. Use it to adjust the windshield wipers. Maybe it can be hooked up to the radio. It won't leak. Air never leaks, neither does oil...it'll work fine. And how many headlights would you like while we're at it? One on each side? Maybe two on each side? How about six? Six headlights, three on each side, two pivoting with the steering wheel, which automatically re-centers when the car is not in motion.

Also, an oval steering wheel and gauges, aluminum bonnet, stainless trim. Front wheel drive. Carbon-fiber wheels were an option, as was a set of fitted luggage. Maserati engine, Lotus transmission. The brakes are operated with a button on the floor, not a pedal as with lesser cars.


Different.

Evidently the cars imported to the U.S. had four headlights, we just had to put our foot down. Picture used without permission and may be removed for any reason at any time.

Like beef? Pork? Chicken? Rattlesnake? Mule?
Try snails.

Potatoes? Onions? Turnips? Mushrooms?
Truffles.

Eiffel.
Debussy, Ravel.
Impressionism.
de Balzac.
Napoleon.
Cathars.

Well, I'm no expert. Don't even speak French. Never been there. But I sure liked that car.

More of the same

This happened while parking the bike. Really.










This is not the same bike, this is a Rivendell. Very nice USA-produced frameset with hand-carved lugs. Extremely clean workmanship-filing, brazing, prep and paint are all wonderful. Hit this picture with your pointer and get right up close-try to find a flaw. I don't know any other maker that uses points so slim, or three waves on the top-this lug is unique to Rivendell, and won't ever be mistaken for another brand. A little opulent maybe, even baroque, but hell I'd ride it. Get it good and dirty!

5-9-08
I have been informed that this lug was actually supplied by Richard Sachs. It appears also to be used by Ted Wojcik, and perhaps others.

Things that might happen

1. Despite clear majority support for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton clinches the Democratic nomination by receiving barely enough superdelegate votes. Disgusted voters reject the ticket as just another backroom deal, and Obama and Ralph Nader form a third party.
2. A national security crisis in September, causing much death and destruction, is used to justify another invasion and a deepening of the current conflict. Conspiracy theories are rampant but are not reported in the mainstream media.
3. Election of John McCain on a "Patriot" platform, with Dick Cheney as Vice President, who install a "War Cabinet" and reinstitute the draft by executive order. Bush effectively steps aside in November, and is hailed as a "lover of peace" and "defender of freedom." Inauguration day is marked by rioting and violence, and scores of police and demonstrators are injured or killed nationwide.
4. The pope asks Catholics worldwide to stand down for peace, and he is assassinated. A logistical miscalculation causes Israel to blame the assassination on "Islamic Terrorists" before it has actually occurred.
5. Widespread civil rights abuses in the U.S. and abroad, flagrant disregard or suspension of rights guaranteed by the first, second, fourth, and sixth amendments, and international outcry against military actions. The Supreme Court remains silent.
6. A moratorium on immigration and foreign nationals sent home, leading to a domestic labor crisis and hyper-expensive groceries. Double-digit inflation.
7. Imported oil reaches $300 per barrel.
8. Mexico becomes the 51st state, providing cheap oil, cheap mineral resources, cheap labor, cheap manufacturing, and more young people to draft into service. Fortune-500 companies invest heavily and are richly rewarded. GMC and Chrysler move production to Mexico, Ford bankrupts, and Duesenberg reappears. Canadian newspapers decry "Fortress America" mentality, and are vilified by conservative U.S. media. Calls from the far right to annex Yukon Territory.
9. All domestic oil reserves are called into production, including new drilling in National Parks and Forests, and eminent domain provides new rights-of-way for miners and loggers.
10. E.U. and Russia enter trade agreement with China, effectively ending U.S. world economic hegemony.
11. China sells its treasury bills, further depressing the U.S. dollar.
12. Large-scale collapse of credit and banking system, exacerbated by a poorly-managed F.D.I.C. and its politically-appointed leadership. Price of Gold reaches all-time high.
13. The U.S. enters a second "great depression."
14. Automobiles become prohibitively expensive to maintain, and people can no longer afford to live in the suburbs.
15. People ride bicycles more and more.
16. Bike mechanics are in high demand and bike shop owners get rich.

More busted stuff

Pushin' your luck.












Sorry, warranty not transferable.

Seat Lugs

198? Mercian
That's a cute seat cluster. British. Nice brazing, carefully shaped and smoothed, a little florid but not ridiculous. Mercian frames are said to be "hearth brazed," which I believe means that a joint is heated over a bed of coals (rather than by a torch) prior to having the silver flowed in. The purple candy striping goes all the way down to the bottom bracket-talk about a challenging pinstripe job. Even now, faded and cracked and scratched, this is beautiful paint, and I'll strangle the vain fool who has a frame like this repainted (oh, I mean, "restored"...). Do you think you could find someone to do new striping like that?


197? Flying Dutchman
In its favor, I will tell you that this bike has seen about the worst treatment you can give an old road bike. Freezing rain, ice, snow, miles, dirt and rocks, mud, built and rebuilt, running into and jumping over things, dropping in on trails, bent, broken, repaired, repainted, etc...and it has SURVIVED. That's the good news. The bad news is, don't look too close. See the nasty repaint? See the file marks? See the rough edges? See the clamp ears which have deformed and now need to be shimmed with a Pepsi can? I'm being too critical-the stay end is shaped nicely, and there aren't any gratuitous globs or runs in the braze. A little rough perhaps, but durable enough, and the bike is said to handle well. The little window cut into the top of the lug lightens it a bit, looks interesting, and allows the builder to see when the silver has made good penetration. Probably Italian, built by an anonymous maker and rebranded by a (now defunct) Denver shop.


2008 Waterford RS-22
This is a Brand-New Hand-Made American frameset. (how many things are that these days?) Nice work-clean edges, minimal shape, fastback stays for lighter weight. This is probably a cast lug, quite strong and with a beefy, integral clamp which will never bend or break. The head lugs and fork crown are polished stainless steel, but you'll have to imagine those for the time being. Taken as a whole, the frameset has excellent workmanship, well-chosen materials and a high-quality finish, and presents a complete and elegant package. Arguably producing as good as any production frames ever made, certainly better than the vast majority, Waterford almost reaches the very top tier of custom framebuilders (though not quite, which is really not disappointing at one-half the price and one-tenth the wait!). I hope that whomever buys this frame will ride the hell out of it, and then pass it on to someone else who will ride the hell out of it. Looking around at some of my other fine, old bikes makes me wish to see it as it will be thirty years from now.


198? Centurion
Japanese. This is a pretty nice job for a production frame-slim, stylish, smooth finish, looks strong, but having a tasteless decal on those nice semi-wrap stay ends kinda cheapens it. And in its time it WAS cheaper than equivalent European frames-look close-compare it to other clusters pictured here-is this not as good as the best of them, almost? It's especially remarkable for a production frame-imagine some Japanese craftsman/woman brazing dozens of these a day-its amazing they could produce such uniform work. Imagine yourself in the same position, week after week month after month. Would you not, like I, grow bored and jaded and sloppy?
I'm a hypocrite for saying so, and I may be a snob too, but this a frame that could use a repaint-get those meaningless brands and ugly stickers off at least, so it's more of a "nice frame" than it is a "Centurion." I mean, who wants to ride a Centurion? It's none of anybody's business that your nice frame was made in (gulp) Asia. Hang some Campy stuff on it, nobody will ever know. But ride it, in any case. A good road bike is always a good road bike, and it should be ridden.

Compare and Contrast

Late-80s DeRosa, Italian. Beautiful bike. Short-point lugs in a traditional manner, with chromed head lugs and fork crown. Campagnolo-equipped, of course.  A sturdy bike; look at that clamp-it's solid steel and probably won't ever break or deform.




Late-80s Masi 3V, Italian.  Though this and the DeRosa both have the traditional features of a little point on the top front and side-mounted seatstays, this cluster is a bit more modern than the DeRosa-its main triangle is internally lugged, enabling thinwall tubes which are in this case quite oversized, and the clamp bolt has been shrunken and recessed.  Perhaps all of these refinements owing to pressure from, or lessons learned in, the American market? Faliero Masi was in California for some years trying to set up a shop, so it's entirely conceivable that he might adopt an iconoclastic attitude compared to the more traditional and conservative Italian national builders. Someone's motto "innovate or die" comes to mind, which since at least 1776 has been sort of an American Way of Thinking. It is said of some European manufacturers, on the other hand, that they do things a certain way because their fathers did it, and their fathers' fathers before that, etc., perpetuating in a way the system of guilds and apprenticeships found in some cases for many centuries past ("If it was good enough for _____, it's good enough for me").
This frameset is reputed by its owner to be very rigid.  The bike is Campy-equipped (of course), with the awesome and maddening Delta brakes.




Late-80s Centurion, Japanese. Attractive bike. A well-built, functional, inexpensive copy. Nice shapes, well-done lining and pinstriping, excellent paint. Dia-Compe, SR, Suntour-equipped.  The size of the lugs and the white lining look British to me, the scooped outside-mounted stay is Italianate, the lack of a top point lazy French, and that fragile little excuse for a clamp is all Japanese and bent, the fatal flaw.

More bad luck

Wasn't this The Lightest Crankset at one time?

"Light, Strong, Cheap...pick two." -Keith Bontrager